You Should Consider Listening to a Band of Bearded Men

Australia’s Gift to Music Started Out as a Joke

By Samantha Haase

Picture this: you’re thinking of a pitch for your next article, for a media outlet that’s heavily focused on beards and the people who have them. At the same time you’re doing this, you’re trying to find some ideas while doing a mindless scroll on Instagram (which you migrated to from TikTok, mind you) and you stumble upon a band.

And not just any band, either. You stumble upon what is quite possibly the funniest band you’ve never heard of.

That is exactly how I found The Beards, an Australian folk comedy band with an entire 37 song catalog about, you guessed it, beards.

The Dairy Brothers

The four piece band was active from the mid 2000s up until 2016 out of Adelaide, Australia featuring four long time friends. The Beards came out of the inception of another band called The Dairy Brothers, which performed at local pubs. The Dairy Brothers released two albums and worked with an aesthetic that claimed they were “forged from the molten lava by the ancient Gods of rock.”

The band is made up of Johann Beardraven (Joel McMillan) on vocals, John Beardman Jr. (Michael Bidstrup) on drums, Nathaniel Beard (Tom Bettany) on bass and Facey McStubblington (Joshua Fielder) on guitar. Yes, they all have “on the nose” beard-related stage names.

(left to right): John Beardman Jr., Nathaniel Beard, Johann Beardraven, Facey McStubblington

While this band didn’t grow to be as popular as The Beards, the early instances of humor collaborating with good melodies, hooks, and actual good bass lines were evident. Particularly with songs like “My Neighbourhood (Has Been Overrun By Baboons,” where its chorus is equal parts catchy and wacky. It also birthed a short animated film in 2010.

The Beginning of The Beards

But back to The Beards. When The Dairy Brothers ended, The Beards began. It’s almost like, if Weird Al Yankovic decided to take his brand to new heights and put together a rock band. With songs like, “If Your Dad Doesn’t Have a Beard, You’ve Got Two Mums” and “There’s Just Nothing Better Than a Beard,” lead vocalist McMillan (but please, call him Johann Beardraven) sings about all the pros to having a beard over some pretty killer drumming and guitar work.

What seems like a favorite on Spotify with over three million plays comes off their 2012 album, Having a Beard is the New Not Having a Beard, aptly titled “You Should Consider Having Sex with a Bearded Man.” Over synths that feel reminiscent of “Jump” by Van Halen, we’re told that actually, it’s fun to have relations with bearded men, and that everyone should be doing it.

My personal favorite is off their fourth album, The Beard Album, titled “I Have a Beard and it Looks Really Good.” With a steady drum beat, a little saxophone, and a southern blues pace, the song exudes a soulful energy that’s heightened thanks to Beardraven’s growl. I’m not sure what exactly this song reminds me of, but it’s similar to something.

Ten Long Years, One Long Beard

After ten years however, The Beards disbanded, released a final compilation album called Ten Long Years, One Long Beard, and seemingly went into retirement. They toured heavily in Australia in their active years, but also toured in North America and Europe. Eventually, they officially discontinued as a live act in 2016. At the time, Tom Bettany was quoted saying, “The Dairy Brothers slowly morphed into The Beards and that became our life for over a decade; something we never could have predicted happening!”

And as of now? The Beards are still fairly active on social media, though to a more personal extent. And maybe they’re not looking for international levels of stardom, or the next trending sound on TikTok, but they’ve got a devoted fanbase that will play their music (now, me included.) If you’re looking for a funny band with some great instrumentals, look no further than The Beards.

But don’t just take my word for it: hit up their Spotify here.